Part of my homework as an intern at MTC is to write a daily journal about how the day went and my thoughts and reflections. Yesterday, I wrote about the fear of the unknown and struggling when something is new and you feel like you don’t know where to start or have no control. While writing that journal entry, I knew it was something that I wanted to expand upon. We all have to deal with new things or doing things that give us anxiety whether we are a music therapy intern or not.
As I move further into my internship, I’m having more added to what I am doing and I know that will continue. One of those things is leading. This week I led for the first time. Just one song here and there during different sessions that I had learned for my repertoire check last week. It was exciting and scary and somehow felt both big and small at the same time. On one hand it was big because it was my first time leading since finishing my course work a while ago as well as my first time doing any leading at MTC but on the other hand it felt small because it was just a song, something I have done for a long time. It’s always relative. When I felt like the song didn’t go well it became such a big thing in my head but when it went well a couple hours later it was just something small I had achieved. As humans I think we have the tendency to make our mistakes or losses so much bigger than our wins. While I am currently leading one song, in the near future I will be leading whole sessions and it will be on me to plan and facilitate them. Starting in October I will be taking over two different sessions: a contract at a school and our Listen and Learn class. This was the week I started to really plan out the Listen and Learn class and figure out the music. So currently I don’t feel too nervous about it but I have found myself freaking out about going and leading sessions at the school.
To be honest I have always struggled with anxiety and OCD and in turn may have become somewhat of a “control freak”. For me, feeling like I have control over some part of the situation helps alleviate my anxiety. In new situations I don’t always know everything, like where to even start on a plan for October. In this case I don’t know what music to prepare or how that changes amongst the ages of students so I start to feel anxious and out of control. So I decided to share my process with you in the hopes that if you ever feel anxious and out of control when something new pops up maybe you won’t feel alone or will have some place to start so that you can get through. When you break it down sometimes it doesn’t feel so big.
Why am I feeling anxious?
I can’t do anything unless I know why. In this case I am anxious because I don’t have much experience with schools and though I have three weeks until I would even lead I feel like I am jumping feet first. At the point of writing this I haven’t even observed yet so my brain can make the situation as big and scary as possible
What do I have control over?
In my case there is more that I can control than I thought. I can go to the music therapist that worked with them before and talk about what worries me. I can ask to meet and talk through ideas for sessions and learn about what music they like. I can listen to the radio to learn what songs are popular right now and make and listen to a playlist of music they have used in the past. I can control how I think about it and not allow myself to go into the worst case scenario. I can also change how I talk to myself. I have education and I wouldn’t be here if my supervisors didn’t think I could do it.
What is it that I am afraid of happening?
In this case, I realized that I was worried about crashing and burning when it comes time to lead. I know I will write a plan and facilitate it. I am worried that it won’t work and then I will have to use the plan that doesn’t work two more times. In figuring this out I can then focus on what would be the outcome if it didn’t work. I would just have to try something different the next time. As my mom always told me growing up: “The world won’t end. The sun will still rise in the morning and the Earth will keep on turning”. Even if it doesn’t go well. Making a mistake is not a personal failure or reflect on me and somehow make me unworthy of being a music therapist.
Making a gameplan
Next week I go to observe. I am sure that will clear up a lot of anxiety for me once I actually see the group and see what is done in the group. Until then I am going to work on listening to music outside of my Spotify playlist and listen to what is on the radio. I am also going to be patient with myself and allow myself to feel whatever it is I feel even if it is nervous.
Last thoughts
In Music Therapy we can’t control and micromanage how the session goes. That is just not how it works. We don’t know for sure how a client will respond and you have to be able to adapt as necessary. I know I can’t control every aspect of life and that my worry of doing badly comes from a place of wanting to be the best I can be for my clients. We all learn as we go and I am still learning to let go of some things. I know I will accomplish so much over the course of my internship and that starts with doing new and scary things. I have done scary things before like teaching lessons since I started at MTC and learned that I love doing it so much. No one likes doing things that scare them, but it is in these moments that we can learn the most. If we never leave our box of what makes us comfortable, how can we ever grow?
GraceAnne
